updates

So,I just wanted to post some updates.
I no longer have any boyfriends.
I fucked caleb again.
I fucked kane.
Max kissed when I was drunk and I'm not sure why.
I'm pretty much a whore.
No guy really wants to be withh me no longer than a quickie in their car but actually I don't mind that because then I don't have to have any expectations from them.
My mom found out I smoked again.
I'm off my diet, which sucks.
I'm currently waiting for marcey to come over.
Last night was crazy, not even in the good crazy.
I was trapped at a house with rachell and josh from 11:00 pm until 12:45 am without my moms aproval. But rachell obviously wasn't fucking thinking. We had no ride home and I was getting pretty bitchy so I said fuck it and called my mom, which turned out to be the best decision.

i cant comprend anything

i am so fucked up on xanex and i am just getting really ticked off about every fucking thing. i also smoked and had a few beers. but i just dont even feel like i am alive anymore. i feel dead inside. nothing seeems fun anymore unless you are fucked up on some pill, or some weed, or just completely wasted. i want some adventure, i want to feel ambitious again.. when just hanging out was fun without substances.iwant to be free. i want a lot of things. and no matter what i do i cannot be happy. i need someone. that actually cares. i need affection. some smart and with the same interests as me. i am such a whore and i cant even change that until i find someone worth changing over. i dont even know if i want a boyfriend. all they want is sex and money. i need someone who can be my friend as well as a romantic other. i love marcey, logan, and rachell, even max and a few others. i just need that kind of friendship with someone unknown and mysterious. i try to look for the opposite of me and always get fucked over. i just want someone real please.

drunk

i am so drunk and  i am wathcing mulan with my mother.
fusck me. whatam i supposed to do? i see doubble and i donteven know why. i really like being drunk. its so much fun. i ol.oce muslan. marcey is my best  friend and she dropped me off andi swera i lef t myt phone inher ccar so i am goingto got check. hod on.

Fairly Well

Today has been.  I woke up five minutes before I left, so of course I looked like shit.  I badly needed a shower and my greasy hair made this apparent.  Anatomy class sucks ass. I checked out at around nine. Lacey let me borrow her car until around two but it was a pretty laid back day.  I want to free already.  I want to not go to school and be careless.  However much I do want this I still cannot let it interfere with school now.  I am a junior at Enid High School. Sophomore year was so much more intense. Everything was new and exciting.  I also got into a load of trouble though.  It started off innocent, a few cigarettes every other day, a couple shots whenever a party was into play.  But as the year progressed I soon got into drugs, simple little mary jane was introduced and I flirted every so often until she was a regular poison.  They often say, whoever they is, that weed is a gateway drug and it has proved to be true.  After I was wed with weed, i wanted more and thus began my affair with ectasy.  In my lifetime I have only had eight or so orgasmic "x" trips, but I can promise you that every one of them was well worth the loss of brain.  I would have to say that the best was either the time I was at church camp or the time when I was with my best friend.  At church camp, God seemed so impressive and i might have even given my life to him but I knew I could never live up to his expectations so I restrained myself and enjoyed the gospel music and free light show.  When I was with my best friend, Marcella, it was just the three of us, me, her, and our imagination.  We went to Meadowlake South Park and flew around the twists and curves.  Afterwards we decided to check out the local bands that were playing at The Underground. It sounds how it looks despite the fact you have to walk up a flight of stairs to the entrance, ironic.  I strongly believe that everyone should thizz at least once in their life.  People should also experiment a little.  Try some bud, try some beer and vodka, try skinny dipping.  Go on adventures, have fun.  Do something so that you can look back later on your younger years and say, "Man, I can't believe we did that!"  If you don't then you will not regret it I suppose, because how can you regret something if you never did anything.  My whole purpose in life is to just simply have fun I suppose.  Fun is so different for so many people.  Your opinion is powerful. It represents who you will become, who you will commit yourself to or not commit yourself to.  It shows through your skin like an explosive firework.  This is why I am now going to play a game of pool with my friend, Max.  Because I like pool and I think it is fun.  I may not be good but it's the joy you get from making that one ball in or the laugh that erupts from you when you completely miss the ball, or the adrenaline surge you get when you make more than one ball in.

im just pissed.

i have three boyfriends.
fuck my life.
isiah.
dominic.
frankie.
isiah cant grasp anything past booze or sports, and he says he loves me. after three days of dating.
dominic is so young and i dont know if he can handle me. i have had him wrapped around my finger for almost a month and a half.
frankie is a smooth talker from vegas and im not sure i can trust him exactly.

i dont even know exactly how this happened.

and my fucking mom.
i mean i am glad i have one but shit.
she's on my laptop all the damn time and i have ten minutes before she wants it back. what kind of fucked up shit is that??
she is so fucking high maintenence.
she quits her job on a whim all the fucking time. and then expects me to pick up her slack. and you would think that since she has been unemployed for a month that she can like clean house and shit right? but instead she sits on her lazy ass and watches tv or uses my laptop when she isnt sleeping of course. she is so embarassing. she asks every guy i bring home if they are a serial killer to break the ice. what. the. fuck.
just a little bit of venting i suppose.

back to my real situation...
it started out like this.
i was talking to dominic for a couple weeks but then he got arrested for smoking cigarettes at walgreens so he is grounded until the twenty first. that happened about a month ago. christmas break rolls around and of course since i cant hang out with dominic i have to make up for it somehow. so i met a guy named frankie at a show and we hit it off real well. lots in common and a total sweetheart. he was nineteen at the time but his birthday was the seventh and so i bought him a sixty dollar jacket as a present. gave it to him the sunday prior and also had sex. that night was the last time i hung out with him. and he would hardly text me back so i thought that was over just in time to go back to school and pick up where i left off with dominic. last friday however i went to a little party and met this guy isiah and he's a gentleman but i thought he would have a little more experience. he asked me out on saturday and today he has announced that he loves me. this guy moves quick, he will probably propose to me next week at this rate. just a little while ago i had the nerve to text frankie. i am not so sure if this was a good or bad call. he seems to act like nothing ever happened and that today is last monday. not literally but he texts me back and says i was wondering when you were going to text me. what the hell? i texted him happy birthday on thursday and he never so much as said thank you. i have no fucking clue what i am going to do. i like them all but in different aspects. i wish i could just take all the good stuff out of them and make one amazing guys instead of just three okay ones.
anywho. i have to go...
my mom needs "her" computer back.

comfortable.

i want to be comfortable for once.dont get me wrong, i love life on the edge, but i need a familiarity to my life. something as a constant besides
school,
work.
drugs.


i want to be comfortable in my skin. i always feel overweight. even though i know im not technically obese or overweight in the slightest. but i want to be fit. not stick thin but teetering on the brink. i know that its horrible. but i honestly dont consider it an

eating disorder.

theres two different me's.
rachael and clemontine. i like to think that anyway, it makes life simpler.
when i am rachael, i am sober, peppy, a goody girl, aka katie huse.(the god of plain and nerdy)
clemontine is a daring young woman, mysterious, lurking and ponderful. she's everything that rachael is not. she is seductive and luring. everyone loves clemontine. no one enjoys rachael.
i am not schizo in the least.
dont worry. (hah)
i know i am only one person.
                                                           pretty much.

heres my twenty ten overview so far...

• 
  
  first- spent the first five minutes with a boy who i thought would stick around. ( what a joke that was) * 
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  second- *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  third- marcella comes home from kentucky. had sex with said boy. *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  fourth- said boy stopped talking to me. (shocker) *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  fifth- *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  sixth- finally school started again. *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  seventh- checked myself out of school and went to see my grandma in the hospital. but i went back sixth hour to finish some homework. *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  eighth- checked myself out of school because i felt like it. (i have to stop doing that or im going to fail) also partied (completely shit faced me) and met a boy. (isiah) *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  nineth- hung out with isiah all day and his buddy george.played pool, watched movie, partied again. went home at eleven.  isiah asked me out and i said yes. we will see how that goes. *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  tenth- snuck out at one thirty a.m. partied once more. went home around four. church at ten thirty. (aka death) hung out with isiah and george again. work at five. grocery shopping at nine. home at ten. *
  
  
  
  

• 
  
  eleventh- is yet to be known. update soon.
  
  
  
  

(*)= toked that reefer.

S. E. X.

Something idolized in america for what reason?

I couldn't begin to elaborate.

I need a new beginning and I suppose twenty ten is my answer, although I have already fucked it up with another lousy "boy of the week".

And by this I mean only that no guy will keep me for longer than it takes to fuck me and throw me to the curb.

I know this, my friends know this, my family knows this, so why do I keep making the same damn decisions over and over again?

I want to be carefree.

If she can manage it why can't I?

I overanalyze the simple.

Most of the time I hit the button right on the nose though.

If you fuck a boy on Sunday and he doesn't text you Monday, then you know it's unravelling.

Especially if he commits that he will tell you upon the arrival of his home.

Fuck guys.

If this ends up how I assume it will.

Resolutions:

(somewhat late by oh say a week or two)

1. I will be mysterious.

2. I will not be so convenient.

3. I will not eat when I am high.

4. I will be tidy.
5. I will be more active and eat healthier.

6. I will not jump to conclusions, but rather let conclusions end in their own decent timing.

7. I will buy a car.

8. I will save every penny I can and proceed it to my liberation expense.

9. I will be self-reliant.

10. I will adopt a hobby I adore.

How this all will play out, I am utterly clueless.

But for now, I say fuck all others and let it be.

My name is Rachael Daun Burk.

Remember this because someday I will be worth something.

if he took me seriously

longing gazes lure me in
what is life without the heat of now
the first taste is tingly
next move is his
he holds me in his arms
we are meant to be
almost
it seems there is still a barrier
that i cannot break down
his words cannot describe the way he feels
i am vulnerable to him
he knows this and takes advantage
he calls me whenever and takes no special notice
i miss his smell and the last drags of his mouth.

a coupon worth a thousand words.

it was an average sunday.
wake up
breakfast church
work
but then something magical happened
his name is kane and hes almost too good to be true
twenty one
cute
funny
sweet
and he actually likes me
he doesnt want sex
he wants me.

i looked out the window and saw a charming lad.

wrote my number down and slipped it in his bag.

we went out tonight and he bought me a green tea.

we sweat off a few calories at the gym.

we savored every second alone in his truck waiting for the boy scouts.

we listened and spoke of more than just ourselves.

and i only kissed him on the cheek.

tomorrow i plan on taking him to rape alley for a picnic.

shhh he doesnt know.

he likes turkey sandwiches.

but i need you to know

she laid there, unmoving for a long while. just thinking, dreaming about the possibilities.
the odds that he is thinking the same thing are slim.
she is an average girl.
long brown black hair.
big blue green eyes.
a crooked jaw.
she is high as the sky.
she swings.
back and forth.
back and forth.
the swishing of the air around her making a whirring noise in her ear.
he whispers, clemontine what will you do when no one cares?
she replies, the same thing i always do, hide in the moonbeams of the endless night.
they kiss and he disappears into a figment of her imagination.
the whirring is replaced with silence.
five feet eight inches she towers.
a hundred and thirty pounds she holds.
sixteen years of solemness she surrenders to the chirps of the crickets.
an abundantly low self esteem she jumps from her fears and rolls onto the cold dead grass.
she glances upward and sees the black sky engulf her.
only a few stars keeping her from insanity.
she gasps for air but can only breathe water.
her lungs fill with bitter doom.
then she wakes from her nightmare only to find that she is all alone yet her dreams will soon form reality.

stressed. thats all i am.
so much homework to catch up on.
work 5 days a week.
saturday morning garage sale shopping with my dad.
some time with my mom.
some time on the laptop.
some time with my step dad.
some time with friends.
plus i have to shower, sleep, clean, and wash clothes.
and im sick.
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
help?

sorry i've been ill with the flu.
-not much for blogging./

tweak fell in the loo today.

ravishing violins talking me through it.

what do we call ourselves?

lovers or fighters?

swimmers or sinkers?

to live or to die?

is this what you really want out of your life?

to be scared.

to be afraid.

to be lonely.

i for one am not a fighter or a lover but a safe midpoint.

because everything about me has to be safe for some reason.

i cant have my door open.

i cant eat mashed potatoes in a styrofoam bowl.

i cant live a normal life where i dont feel self conscious.

i want to be mysterious.

thin.

lovely bones abroad.

its my whole desire.

but i cant do it all by myself, i'll be the first to tell you i need more help than a therapist can supply.

penny is poison and this life is abyss

i feel so helpless and lost.

i dont know what to do.

no one will ever see it.

i feel like death.

to bleed is to actually feel something...

real.

the pain.

feels nice.

it burns.

like snorting but better.

if i hated myself would that be so awful?

no one really cares.

i liked a guy.

there was no point though.

no point in even blogging about him,

because as much as i want something i can

never have it.

i need you god.

i need to know youre there.

im so lost in a deepening vase of drastic.

i just cant...

stand it. i want to be skinny, accepted, wanted, loved, adored, liked, pretty, someone who matters. im a fuck up and a nobody.

suicide

2 jobs. high school. drugs. friends. family.
so many commitmits. not enough time or money.

soo i'm new at this

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