Saturday, November 28, 2009

if he took me seriously

longing gazes lure me in
what is life without the heat of now
the first taste is tingly
next move is his
he holds me in his arms
we are meant to be
almost
it seems there is still a barrier
that i cannot break down
his words cannot describe the way he feels
i am vulnerable to him
he knows this and takes advantage
he calls me whenever and takes no special notice
i miss his smell and the last drags of his mouth.

Monday, November 23, 2009

a coupon worth a thousand words.

it was an average sunday.
wake up
breakfast church
work
but then something magical happened
his name is kane and hes almost too good to be true
twenty one
cute
funny
sweet
and he actually likes me
he doesnt want sex
he wants me.
i looked out the window and saw a charming lad.
wrote my number down and slipped it in his bag.
we went out tonight and he bought me a green tea.
we sweat off a few calories at the gym.
we savored every second alone in his truck waiting for the boy scouts.
we listened and spoke of more than just ourselves.
and i only kissed him on the cheek.
tomorrow i plan on taking him to rape alley for a picnic.
shhh he doesnt know.
he likes turkey sandwiches.

Monday, November 9, 2009

but i need you to know

she laid there, unmoving for a long while. just thinking, dreaming about the possibilities.
the odds that he is thinking the same thing are slim.
she is an average girl.
long brown black hair.
big blue green eyes.
a crooked jaw.
she is high as the sky.
she swings.
back and forth.
back and forth.
the swishing of the air around her making a whirring noise in her ear.
he whispers, clemontine what will you do when no one cares?
she replies, the same thing i always do, hide in the moonbeams of the endless night.
they kiss and he disappears into a figment of her imagination.
the whirring is replaced with silence.
five feet eight inches she towers.
a hundred and thirty pounds she holds.
sixteen years of solemness she surrenders to the chirps of the crickets.
an abundantly low self esteem she jumps from her fears and rolls onto the cold dead grass.
she glances upward and sees the black sky engulf her.
only a few stars keeping her from insanity.
she gasps for air but can only breathe water.
her lungs fill with bitter doom.
then she wakes from her nightmare only to find that she is all alone yet her dreams will soon form reality.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

stressed. thats all i am.
so much homework to catch up on.
work 5 days a week.
saturday morning garage sale shopping with my dad.
some time with my mom.
some time on the laptop.
some time with my step dad.
some time with friends.
plus i have to shower, sleep, clean, and wash clothes.
and im sick.
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
help?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

sorry i've been ill with the flu.
-not much for blogging./
tweak fell in the loo today.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

ravishing violins talking me through it.

what do we call ourselves?
lovers or fighters?
swimmers or sinkers?
to live or to die?
is this what you really want out of your life?
to be scared.
to be afraid.
to be lonely.
i for one am not a fighter or a lover but a safe midpoint.
because everything about me has to be safe for some reason.
i cant have my door open.
i cant eat mashed potatoes in a styrofoam bowl.
i cant live a normal life where i dont feel self conscious.
i want to be mysterious.
thin.
lovely bones abroad.
its my whole desire.
but i cant do it all by myself, i'll be the first to tell you i need more help than a therapist can supply.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

penny is poison and this life is abyss

i feel so helpless and lost.
i dont know what to do.
no one will ever see it.
i feel like death.
to bleed is to actually feel something...
real.
the pain.
feels nice.
it burns.
like snorting but better.
if i hated myself would that be so awful?
no one really cares.
i liked a guy.
there was no point though.
no point in even blogging about him,
because as much as i want something i can
never have it.
i need you god.
i need to know youre there.
im so lost in a deepening vase of drastic.

Friday, October 2, 2009

i just cant...

stand it. i want to be skinny, accepted, wanted, loved, adored, liked, pretty, someone who matters. im a fuck up and a nobody.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

suicide

2 jobs. high school. drugs. friends. family.
so many commitmits. not enough time or money.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009