i cant comprend anything

i am so fucked up on xanex and i am just getting really ticked off about every fucking thing. i also smoked and had a few beers. but i just dont even feel like i am alive anymore. i feel dead inside. nothing seeems fun anymore unless you are fucked up on some pill, or some weed, or just completely wasted. i want some adventure, i want to feel ambitious again.. when just hanging out was fun without substances.iwant to be free. i want a lot of things. and no matter what i do i cannot be happy. i need someone. that actually cares. i need affection. some smart and with the same interests as me. i am such a whore and i cant even change that until i find someone worth changing over. i dont even know if i want a boyfriend. all they want is sex and money. i need someone who can be my friend as well as a romantic other. i love marcey, logan, and rachell, even max and a few others. i just need that kind of friendship with someone unknown and mysterious. i try to look for the opposite of me and always get fucked over. i just want someone real please.